State of Mind; March 31st, 2014.

Did I ever even mean anything to you?

I mean yeah going to see Miley Cyrus next week is gonna be sick as hell but like.. Eminem and Rihanna this August?? DEFINITELY going to be the best concert I’ll ever attend in my life

I mean yeah going to see Miley Cyrus next week is gonna be sick as hell but like.. Eminem and Rihanna this August?? DEFINITELY going to be the best concert I’ll ever attend in my life

State of Mind; March 4th, 2014.

I’m a bitch because I’ve been hurt.
I’ve been hurt because I open my heart too easily.
I open my heart too easily because I believe in true love.
I believe in true love despite all of the hardships I’ve experienced.
I experienced these hardships because life isn’t easy.
I’ve learned life isn’t easy because reality has hit me hard multiple times.
I’ve had reality hit me hard because I like to be sarcastic and people take it seriously.
I’m sarcastic because I don’t want to show emotion.
I don’t want to show emotion because I’ve been taken advantage of.
I’ve been taken advantage of because I’m too trusting
I’m too trusting because I believe there is good in everyone.
I believe there is good in everyone because I have faith.
I have faith because I’ve experienced love.
I’ve experienced love because that’s how I was raised.
I was raised that way because there is no other good way to live.
I believe there is no other good way to live because without love, life would be meaningless.

State of Mind; March 3rd, 2014.

Birthdays are my favorite holidays. I’ve told so many people that a countless amount of times, and because of that I’ve spent numerous years trying to make sure that the people that I care about have the most amazing birthday that they could possibly have. This year, things are different. Today is my mom’s birthday, but things have been everything but happy. My great grandmother died on Friday. This has made the most normal and unemotional things suddenly become monotonous and annoying. All I wanted to do today was take my mom’s mind off of everything that has happened, and everything that is to come, and just have a happy birthday. Instead, all she did was drink and complain about how things aren’t how they should be. No matter what I did or how cheerful and upbeat I was today, all I got in return was spitefulness and anger. Finally, I just gave up trying. I’m upset too you know, but do you really think this is how she would have wanted you to spend your birthday? Miserable and crying as opposed to putting it all out of your mind and cheering up for a few hours? Why even bother spending time with someone who is just going to spite you? I love my mom and I completely understand why she’s upset, but it’s your birthday. and you ruined it. Today was sufficiently awful, but honestly Wednesday is going to be the hardest day of my life to date. How does my family expect me to get up in front of a church full of both family and people I don’t know and read a huge verse from the Bible without bursting into tears? I’ve gone through a lot in my life time both with someone by my side and without someone there for me, but this is something that I really wish I had someone to sit there and silently cheer for and support me. I need someone to just wrap their arms around me and play with my hair while they tell me that everything is going to get so much better. I know in my heart that it will, I just need someone who will tell it to me. Yeah I constantly say that I feel as though I need someone, but this is an entirely different situation. I’m not even drinking my feelings anymore, I’m just sitting here crying while I reflect on all of the Christmas Eve’s and birthdays that I spent at my great-grandmothers house with my entire family. Nothing in this world means more to me than my family and losing such a prominent member who acted as a rock for everyone else is just devastating. The past few years haven’t been so great for her, but when she was in her prime she could absolutely kill it. There is no one in this world that I respect more than I have respected her. Anna Pendrak, rest easy my angel. You did so much for this family, and never asked for anything in return. Yes I hated your bird, but you loved him. & because of that, I’m so happy that the two of you finally can be together again. This time, forever. I love you

That’s nice of you

State of Mind; February 24th, 2014.

I just want to hit my stride. I’m ready to start a new life and work even harder to achieve my goals in life. I have so many choices and paths that I’m able to pursue and I’m just so ready to start doing that. I love my life now, I’m finally at a good place. But, I’m just ready for the rest of my life. People always say that you shouldn’t rush to grow up, but I feel like I’ve been a grown up all of my life. I’m more responsible, reliable, and determined than most of the people that I know. I just feel like a more ‘adult life’ is where I’m going to succeed the most. Yeah I can throw the alcohol back just like everyone else, I even won 7 straight games of pong this weekend, but that doesn’t mean that I’m happy living that type of lifestyle. I mean yeah, it’s great for now, but what I really want is a relationship. A best friend. A partner. I would literally give anything to have someone to share my life with. Someone who I can end up in bed with at the end of every night, as opposed to sleeping with a box of Girl Scout cookies in my arms.